Living the Transient

Transient:
a. passing especially quickly into and out of existence.
b. passing through or by a place with only a brief stay or sojourn.

Synonyms

brief, deciduous, ephemeral, evanescent, flash, fleeting, fugacious, fugitive, impermanent, passing, short-lived, temporary, momentary, transitory

Yes I did just copy and paste all of this from the Merriam Webster website. But it's all to illustrate a point and sound intelligent and educated. Also I will now be adding "fugacious" to my vocabulary. Who knew such a wonderous word existed.

Transient. This word keeps running through my mind as I face the frustrations of preparing for a new school year just a few weeks after the last one ended. Well, it feels like weeks, but it's been two months. Maybe you're sitting there asking me why I'm already preparing for school, it's not even August. I think it's possible I was a boy scout in a previous life. I like being prepared is all. But anyway, I was making a point. Transient. Transitions. That is what my life has become. Nothing, it seems, is permanent anymore. Not since Junior year of high school. Senior year the preparations began for college, the applications, the visits, the receiving of scores from standardized tests that need to be retaken. All that junk. Then it's the summer before college. You've made a decision, put down a deposit. Now you're buying everything you need to sustain yourself away from mom (and dad, too, but honestly, when has dad done your laundry or cooked you dinner?). And before you've mentally prepared yourself for possibly the biggest leap, socially, academically, and physically (metaphorically speaking) of your life, you're in a dorm with some kid you've never met before (or, for me, a girl I met on a visit who was just as scared about getting stuck with a stranger as I was).

But even that's not permanent. Right now I'm in the midst, in the swamp, right at the epicenter, of the college years. When every summer you're awkwardly back at home in that room you grew up in with that poster of that boy band that you would never admit to ever having listened to because obviously you're that much more pretentious, having been to college, and have a much better grasp on what quality music is now. But really you saw them twice in concert. You're working that summer job that is getting you nowhere closer to the field you want to be in, but it pays for college. You're away from all the people who became your make shift family during school. You're back with your real family trying to find how you fit there again. I'm in my second summer of all this.

I also don't anticipate that this will change anytime soon. After my four years of undergraduate studies are through I plan to attend Grad school. I want to get my PhD. I want to teach. But all that extra education is going to keep my life in a changing, moving cycle of uncertainties, unclear future, and indefinite plans. It's frustrating to me, being the kind of planning person I am, to live this way. At the same time, though, it's wonderful.

Transitions are challenging, you can learn and experience so much that you wouldn't if you were at a stand still. I want to see the world, even if that world is just made up of a couple different universities. I want to meet everyone ever (don't you ever get depressed when you think about all the people in existence that you'll never meet? I do).

Here's where discomfort and real living trump "comfort," "stability," and "control." I am learning to love the transient and to really dwell and abide in it. I make the most of the few consecutive months I have in one place.

I guess there really is no finish to this post. It's rather scattered. The point of all this is just to say that there is no problem with the transient or the "fugacious." In fact, it grants many opportunities. And I can't wait to see where God takes me for my graduate studies, who he introduces me to, and where he stations me for the rest of my life. Even if the rest of my life is completely transient.

I give it all to You, God, trusting that You'll make something beautiful out of me

It has only recently come to my attention all the things that God has taught me this year. I guess this has to do with how the semester is coming to a close in the next two weeks. And how this also marks the close of my first year of college. What a journey it has been. It sped by.

1. I am blessed. Beyond anything I can fathom.

This is something I never want to forget. I take my whole life for granted everyday. I'm so entirely selfish. Yet God still loves me. Crazy.

2. Sometimes, even if you pray for something, if you don't truly desire for that thing to come about, it won't.

I guess this is something I should have known. Maybe everyone knew this but me. What you have to pray for is desire, so you can honestly want that thing and pray for that thing to come about. When praying in supplication to God, if your heart doesn't match your words God won't care about your words. It sucks. Sometimes it'd be nice to be able to fool God like we fool everyone else in our lives. But then He wouldn't be God.

3. Sometimes, just cause you feel a certain way, that doesn't mean that the person you feel that way about feels the same way about you.

Excuse me while I try and remain vague on this point. I guess in this, I just learned that God can have bigger plans than what I see. His will outweighs my wishes. So sometimes He hardens people's hearts to accomplish His will. Even if the result has to break my heart for a little while. And by little while I mean two semesters.

4. Friendships are powerful things.

They will make or break your entire existence. A desire for fellowship and community is something God put inside all of us. Without it you can suffocate spiritually and emotionally.

5. Friendships are way more important than idle talk and gossip.

This is fairly self explanatory. But I've had to face this issue a lot this year. It's aggravating to say the least. Because no one wants anyone to talk about them, but they talk about others relentlessly. Why are we all hypocrites.

6. God can even work through our downfalls to make His will come about. Even in our pride.

Let's just say God used my friends and I to bless a fellow student last night. And I didn't even want to do it, because I was prideful and selfish for about 10 seconds. In hindsight, I hate myself for ever thinking that. The only reason we were able to bless him was because of God's orchestration. Not of my own ability at all. To God be the glory. Always.

7. You may think you want something. But sometimes that can be settling, and it's not until you see what you really want that you realize how much you didn't want the first thing.

Again, this is self explanatory. So I won't go into detail. But this has to do with God's divine providence and my small view of the world and life. And how God knows what He's doing.

8. Patience and humility are hard things to learn. And they have to be relearned daily.

9. Loving others is easy with God. But it also is a discipline that has to be relearned daily.

God has been teaching me how to love His children in a way I never have before. With a sort of reckless disregard for my own feelings or desires. When you view people as God's, it's so much easier to love them and care for them in a way that begs urgency, that begs for me to pray them into eternity with Christ whether they like it or not.

10. I lean not on my own understanding, my life is in the hands of the maker of heaven.

I guess this is the overarching theme of everything I've learned this year. How God is so powerful, glorious, all-knowing, all-sufficient. And how, for this reason, I shouldn't worry about tomorrow. Or the next day. Or the day after. Or all the days ever after. He's got it under control. Even when I have no idea what my major should be or what kind of a job I'll have or who on earth I am going to marry.



--Oh, and I love United Pursuit Band. Their songs are straight up prayers. They speak all the prayers I didn't know how to voice previously.

An Ode to Peeta Mellark (My reflections on The Hunger Games)

Perhaps it's cliched for me to be blogging about The Hunger Games right now, on the weekend of the movie's birth. I'm sure that nearly everyone and their mom has also done so. But I need an outlet for my musings. Otherwise I will continue to exclaim "Why does Peeta not exist!" at the top of my lungs for the next 6 weeks.

Rest assured, I enjoyed the books for more reasons than the character of Peeta. And, to be hipster, I read them before everyone else found out about them from the movie release. I also liked Peeta before he was Josh Hutcherson. But that's beside the point.

I really enjoyed the movie. It was perhaps the best book-to-movie adaptation that I have ever seen (the second half of the 7th Harry Potter being second place). Maybe this was because I read the book over a year ago. I probably forgot a number of details. But I think it's best to have some separation between the time of reading a book and seeing the movie. Then they can stand independent of one another. I realize that certain things were changed, and the movie moved quickly, but it was a lot of story to tell in such a short amount of time. So I accept these changes with open arms.

The Hunger Games is a very interesting, artistic portrayal of mankind. It seems to be a sort of commentary on the human condition, man's corrupted nature, but also his potential for good. The scary thing is that this is something our culture could eventually turn into. Maybe we're already here. People have become so desensitized to violence, through movies and video games, that this modern form of gladiator battles isn't too far from reality.

It's the idea of people being entertained by death that is so vile. The Capitol is full of people who revel in violence, who have no respect for human dignity or life. Much like the people who used to watch hangings for entertainment during Renaissance times, or people who gloried in gladiator matches. The only real, good people that exist in Panem are those in the poor districts, who can't afford to "fix" their imperfections. Those who have to fight to survive. The overlooked.

One scene from the movie that seems imprinted on my mind is set in the capitol. The camera focuses on a small boy receiving a present from his parents, a short sword. He proceeds to chase his sister, brandishing it at her. Young children being apart of this twisted society goes very much against God's intention for mankind. It's even more disturbing than the adults like Seneca Crane who create the games.

Career Tributes are potentially the most disgusting of all the characters in these stories, though. They are children bred simply for the killing of others, should they be put in the Hunger Games. This fact is emphasized in the last scene of the games. Cato, a career tribute and the last person standing between Katniss, Peeta and victory, strangles Peeta as Katniss aims her bow at him. He says, defeatedly, that he doesn't know how to do anything but kill.

I guess when I read the books I never imagined the story to be so life-like. It was pure fantasy to me. The movie made it realistic. The violence was so real. I found myself close to becoming physically ill at the site of it (I most definitely do not recommend taking children under the age of 15 to this film).

While this may sound like I'm bashing on the film, I'm really not. I loved it. And I'm hoping to see it again sometime this weekend. I loved it for its honesty. I also loved it for its good characters.

Let's take a while to reflect on Peeta Mellark, aka The Boy With the Bread. Peeta defies all previously set standards for leading male characters in fiction writing. He is humble and kind, self-sacrificing and loving. Peeta is the utter opposite of his counterpart, Gale. Some people would compare the love triangle presented here to that of Twilight (Gale-Katniss-Peeta = Jacob-Bella-Edward), but the literary merit of this book is so beyond that of Twilight that this comparison is unfair.

I was never a fan of Gale. He's the arrogant jock type. Someone who would survive the Hunger Games had he been picked. Peeta's the humble, strong, and loving type. He was never expected to survive. Even he knew that.

Peeta always looked out for Katniss above himself. He was never self-serving. Somehow this is a fault, according to a friend of mine, with whom I debate the issue of Peeta vs. Gale quite often. Peeta is not the kind of man that society puts as the leader. This is why I respect him. He's not cliched. And I realize that he's not completely realistic either. But I think, deep down, this is the type of man every girl wants. He loved Katniss long before she loved him. (not to mention that Josh Hutcherson can make a brilliantly bright blue suit look classy)

Katniss is also more than the stereotypical teenage heroine. She is selfless - volunteering as tribute when her sister is chosen. Before this she has spent her whole life working to provide for her family. And she leads the rebellion against The Capitol. She is flawed, too. Sometimes to the point of the reader becoming disgusted with her. But I don't think she deserves to be put on the same level as Bella Swan.

The Hunger Games is a story that seems to revolve around death and destruction, but I hope people see it for much more than that. If it's read critically this book can be very constructive. Right now I'm a bit obsessed, but this will probably wear off just in time for the second movie to come out (November 22, 2013!) so that I can become re-obsessed again.

Sometimes... God answers prayers

Well, God always answers prayers. But some of His answers are more obvious than others.

Recently, I have been praying for patience and humility. These are two things everyone always warns against praying for. Because God will answer these requests in a BIG way. And He has.

Patience doesn't come easy for me. Especially when it involves waiting for God's will to be revealed in my life. I struggle with relying on Him to guide my steps in everyday life. I struggle with giving over the worries I have about my future to Him. I have no idea what His plan is for me after college. But that's where the patience and faith come in. He is giving me patience through opportunities to exercise patience.

Even though patience is difficult, humility is worse. Yesterday in church my pastor gave a sermon on sin. One of the points He made is that demons can see fraudulent faith in 'christians', even when humans can't. This is terrifying. And if it doesn't convict the most spiritually confident, then I don't know what will. We took communion at the end of service and I felt like God was using this to knock me down. To help me realize how small I really am. He was telling me that my confidence in my faith was ill placed. I should boast only in Christ and what He has done for me. Not what grand spiritual gesture I have made recently. The only person I am helping in learning more about God and drawing close to Him is me. God doesn't need me for His kingdom.

There are two really tangible events in my life recently that have given me an opportunity to exercise patience and humility. It's difficult to wrestle through these now, but I hope to let them refine me.

Another way that God has answered my prayers is through the hymn Jesus Paid it All. It seems that everywhere I go now I hear this song. I take this to mean that God is using this song to help me through my struggles with patience and humility. The first verse goes 'I hear the Savior say, "Thy strength indeed is small. Child of weakness watch and pray, find in me thine all in all."
Find in me thine all in all. This is all God ever wants from us. This is what I'm working on.

Hosea

We were just talking about the book of Hosea in my Old Testament Survey class the other day. It is the "second most important story in the Bible" according to my teacher.

Hosea documents the magnitude of the great romance between God and His people. Simply defined, "while we were still sinners, Christ died for us." This was the first thing I thought of when my teacher was talking about Hosea. I had actually started reading through this book on my own before we got to it in class. And I'm glad I did. I wouldn't have understand all of the implications of what my professor was saying otherwise.

A word used numerous times throughout the entire book is adultery. Sometimes also said as 'prostitution.' This is the picture of how we treat our God.

Some people think of Hosea as an allegory for our relationship to God, not as a true story. But I believe it to be real. They also say that Hosea couldn't have married his wife Gomer while she was a prostitute, that she must have become one after their marriage. This is because marriage to a prostitute went against the religious laws at the time. But honestly, when has God played by man's rules? It's easy to say that Gomer turning to prostitution after her marriage more accurately represents our relationship to God - we don't want to believe ourselves so sinful as to have started out that way. But in real life, the sequence of God's grace doesnt' go [loving relationship --> our sin --> broken marriage] it goes [our sin --> His love --> continued sin --> broken marriage]. Perhaps that's too simplified. But it makes the point.

Hosea married Gomer while she was still a prostitute. He took her out of her pattern of a life. In the same way that God loves us while we still sin, before we repent.

One of the main points my teacher made in class was that the greatest pain a person can feel isn't the loss of a spouse to death, but the loss of a spouse to infidelity. This is the kind of pain that God endures on a daily basis. It's the kind of rejection and betrayal felt by someone in a broken marriage - but to a much greater extent than any human mind can begin to comprehend.

Chapter 11 of this book discusses how God has shown grace to his people throughout their relationship with Him. He led them through numerous trials, provided a way for them into the promised land, and all the while forgave the sins they committed against Him. Yet somehow they forgot and moved on with their lives, leaving God behind.

We do exactly the same thing today. We forget. We use God for a while and then leave Him. How can we be so ungrateful? How can we be so blind? Who are we, that we should continue in this pattern and yet still be loved by the One who created all things?

This small glimpse of God's glory and majesty as displayed in His irrational love for us should bring nations to their knees. This is why Hosea is the second greatest story in the Bible (the first being that of Jesus Christ) - it is a tangible picture of God's all forgiving, grace filled, completely irrational love for us.

For Kaitlyn

So recently I got to see a real life monk up close. It was weird. As Alexa said, "I didn't think monks still existed" - well not in America anyway. The most notable thing about this experience was when, in passing, my friend said hi to a certain monk and asked him how he was. His response was simply "I am blessed," accompanied by a large grin.

This struck me. And maybe I put far too much thought into this short interaction, but I really enjoyed his response to that question. So often people blow off the question of "how are you" with a simple "I'm fine." Or, if you're me, sometimes you can't help but launch into a speech about how life simply isn't going your way at that precise moment in time.

What I liked about this monk's response was that it was something that would be true whether he was having a great day or a terrible day. It was a response that stands true for everyone at every moment in time. And I think that's what we need to focus our attention on. Not on how the small things aren't panning out exactly as we had planned or would like.

I think, too often, we (especially in our comfortable American lives) tend to forget that we are blessed. Every day. Difficult times do come and sometimes God leads us through sufferings, but only to strengthen us. And in the end we're still blessed. We still have the grace and forgiveness that He offers.

It reminded me of the book of Job. I had to read this for two different classes this past week (and I may or may not have also written a paper on him). Job had all of his earthly possessions and relationships taken away from him by Satan, yet he maintained an attitude like that of the monk. He never cursed God. Job had all the reasons in the world to recant his faith, yet he continued to say "I am blessed."

{Oh and by the way, college is amazing. I was determined at the beginning of the semester to not change at all while here. But I think I have. I have simply become a better version of myself that I didn't know existed. I still have a ways to go before becoming the person that God created me to be, but He couldn't have brought me to a better place for that. I am blessed.}

Blessings

Recently I have been reflecting on the amount of time I spend disregarding the blessings God has poured into my life. How he has blessed me in even the smallest ways.

It has been raining a lot the past week. And tonight was no exception. The rain took a brief respite, though, as the sun was setting. I watched the sun go down as I rode in the passengers seat of a friend's car and enjoyed this absence of precipitation. The blanket of storm clouds was pulled up to chin of the sky. Just a thin strip of the orange sunlight was visible beyond the tree line in front of us. It was beautiful. I feel closest to God in moments like this, moments when nature reflects His true beauty and appears to be exactly how it was made to be, perfect. I took this to be a blessing from God. This brief glimpse of His majesty. It simply added to an already glorious week.

This week I had a relatively light homework load. I got to spend a lot of time with my favorite roommate, bonding over the fact that we didn't have papers to be working on. I received mail from home. I made new friends. And I seemed to be constantly happy, something that had been difficult a few weeks prior.

At first school was hard. Adjusting to a new schedule, meeting all new people, and being completely responsible for myself for the first time ever. But God helped me adjust fast. He  blessed me with awesome friends to sing with in the stair wells. He gave me excellent classes with passionate professors. He helped me get an on-campus job. He brought me to this amazing school. A school where the professors sometimes lead worship in chapel (I can't get over how awesome that is).
And, perhaps best of all, He gave me a roommate who also turned out to be one of my favorite people ever. I can't imagine going into this school year without her.

God also blessed me with friends from home who call just to chat and see how school's going. He blessed me with parents who send care packages (homemade cookies enclosed). And a mom who doesn't mind editing my papers from across Lake Michigan.

After handing in my first few papers and finally getting into the groove of things, I'm pretty sure I can handle this college thing. No biggie. But it's only because of Him.

My prayer is simply that I waste none of these blessings.