Something I have been wondering about lately is why God continues to bless me even in the times that I push Him away.
Guilt and apathy are the two main things that have made me less inclined to try and step into His presence lately. I know how unworthy I am. I know I don't deserve His love or blessings.
Yet He continues to pursue me. It amazes me.
He blesses me with friendships centered around Him. He blesses me with opportunities. He blesses me with an awesome family. He blesses me with an awesome church. The list goes on forever. Each blessing becoming more and more evident daily.
Yet I flee from Him. Because, for whatever reason, I think at times that it would just be easier to live my life on my own. I'm so, so wrong.
He blessed me with an amazing weekend full of time with friends. And then, the Monday after, the Monday I was dreading, He blessed me with a good day at work. The first good Monday I've worked all summer.
It makes me feel all the more rotten at times, though. To be so blessed when I'm so undeserving. I feel that what I have to give back is so not nearly enough. But isn't that exactly the point of grace?
Tuesday, August 9, 2011
Monday, August 1, 2011
Love is speaking in code, it's an inside joke, love is coming home
I just realized it has been over a month since my last post. How the time flies.
This is particularly scary, since in approximately 30 days my life will change forever. So I'm trying to make the most of the time I have now with the people I have here.
Everyone says that I will get so caught up in my new life that I won't even think about the things going on here that I won't be able to be a part of. But I think a part of me will still miss this; the creation of new inside jokes (and the constant recitation of old ones); the random dance parties or bursting into song; the spontaneous get togethers; the homeschooler jokes. Simply put, I will miss the friendships I have formed this past year.
As I think back over the past year I realize that all the people I am closest to now I didn't even know that well 9 months ago. Now, when I feel like we've been friends for years, when I've finally put down roots in this state, I'm leaving.
My one regret is that we didn't get more time together. I wish we'd met when my family had just moved in. And not three and a half years after the fact. Even though I know we were brought into each other's lives at the exact right moment. When I needed friends the most. When I was farthest away from God. He showed His love to me in a huge way by giving me the friends I had been asking for the past 3 years.
These friends have helped shape me into the person I am today. They've made me confident, somewhat insane (or maybe completely?), and utterly happy with my life. Though I still have bad days, it's the memories of the good ones that get me through.
It's difficult to think of finding better people anywhere else. More creative, passionate, hilarious people. I don't believe they exist. Not in quite the same assortment of personalities anyway.
I can only pray that over the years we won't change too much, move too far away, or forget the time we spent together. But part of me knows that God has excellent things planned for each person's future, whether or not the rest of us are involved in it.
This is particularly scary, since in approximately 30 days my life will change forever. So I'm trying to make the most of the time I have now with the people I have here.
Everyone says that I will get so caught up in my new life that I won't even think about the things going on here that I won't be able to be a part of. But I think a part of me will still miss this; the creation of new inside jokes (and the constant recitation of old ones); the random dance parties or bursting into song; the spontaneous get togethers; the homeschooler jokes. Simply put, I will miss the friendships I have formed this past year.
As I think back over the past year I realize that all the people I am closest to now I didn't even know that well 9 months ago. Now, when I feel like we've been friends for years, when I've finally put down roots in this state, I'm leaving.
My one regret is that we didn't get more time together. I wish we'd met when my family had just moved in. And not three and a half years after the fact. Even though I know we were brought into each other's lives at the exact right moment. When I needed friends the most. When I was farthest away from God. He showed His love to me in a huge way by giving me the friends I had been asking for the past 3 years.
These friends have helped shape me into the person I am today. They've made me confident, somewhat insane (or maybe completely?), and utterly happy with my life. Though I still have bad days, it's the memories of the good ones that get me through.
It's difficult to think of finding better people anywhere else. More creative, passionate, hilarious people. I don't believe they exist. Not in quite the same assortment of personalities anyway.
I can only pray that over the years we won't change too much, move too far away, or forget the time we spent together. But part of me knows that God has excellent things planned for each person's future, whether or not the rest of us are involved in it.
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